I first noticed him when I was in 9th standard. Actually it was all the hush hush talks in my class which made his existence conspicuous. All my friends used to tease me about him, and this is what made me more shy and reserved in front him. But that did not stop me from noticing him from the corner of my eye. He was our Maths teacher’s son, so I used to secretly see whether sir’s scooter was parked in the morning. The sight of the scooter used to assure me of his presence in the class. But still that never stopped me from being more distant from him.
And then he did not come to school for almost a month, he was down with some minor illness. And then the feeling started settling in me that I missed him. But still I kept the secret in my heart. My friends started talking more about him to me. Especially his friends would come and talk about his feelings for me, and everytime I used to shove them off.
When we were in 10th standard, he got me a card on Valentine’s day, telling me that he liked me. I accepted, and that’s when we officially were a couple. But we were far from that. Somehow we never were able to speak to each other face to face. We were so shy of each other, that we literally used to avoid each other. I would be in cold sweat of being conscious when any teacher used to ask me read a lesson loud, because I knew that he would be noticing me more. I used to take care of my uniform more, the way my plaits were tied, my newly found pimples. I used to apply medicine on them religiously or pray for a miracle to happen so that the pimple would just vanish before the next day of school. We would say bye and hi in the most discreet manner. We would share notes like it were not notes, but some secret codes. He would call me at home from the local phone booth, as he did not have a phone initially. And then when he got a connection, we would talk on the phone. Actually it was over the phone that we actually communicated. He was a very good singer and used to sometimes sing in the class or over the phone, sometimes for the class and sometimes for me. When our Maths teacher used to take our class, I used to notice the similarities between his features and his son’s, and smile accidentally. When Sir used to ask any question to me or him, we would try our level best to answer.
One day he came to me after the class asking for my Science Practicals Notebook for some notes. I gave him and he promised to get it the next day. I readily gave him my book, thinking that my book would be in hands the whole day and night. He called me up the same evening saying that he has finished with the book, and would be getting it the next day.
He would usually reach school by 8 am with his father. But that day, it was 9 am and he had still not reached. I kept looking at the parking to check whether the scooter had been parked, and every time it was not there. I thought maybe Sir or he must have taken ill. And that’s when the news came. They had met with an accident and though Sir was fine, he had been hit on the head, and was in the hospital in a critical state. The news hit me so hard, that for some time I went blank. And then I felt everyone moving around me, chanting the Mahamrityunjaya Mantra, special assembly in our class. Even I chanted with the deepest of my heart for a miracle to happen, but it never happened. He died in the hospital. I came to know later that he had an internal injury and his face showed no marks of the accident. I remember crying for days in school, in the loo, at home, everywhere. I went to his house for the death ceremony and when I saw Sir, I just fell on his feet crying and he just pulled me up, saying, “Girls don’t touch the feet”. I got my practicals notebook a week later, and I found myself searching for any mark of his on the book. But there was nothing. I kept the book with me for some time and then found that the memories were too strong for me to handle. I just discarded the book and made a new book. After that whenever Sir used to see me, he used always hug me, as if he knew that I was someone special for his son.
Life moved on, I grew up, studied further, started working, got married, but still there were some moments when I would think about him. I told about him to my husband also, and while telling I cried. I guess I still had him in my heart. And then when I was pregnant, one night he came in my dreams, so clear, so alive….telling me he had not died, he had just got lost. He talked me about this and that, and then I woke. I like to believe that he came to bless my son, to say that he still thinks of me. Somehow he made me feel that all will go well with my baby and his birth. And it did.
Just to tell you Vibhu, you are still thought about; our childhood crush was so pure that it has always stayed with me. Do pray for me and my family, as you are closer to God than I am. Labels: My musings